When Was the Sky Ever Clear?
by laura loom
Summary: Not your average picnic...


The sun was shining, the bees were buzzing, Clary was rolling around on the ground foaming at the mouth, the sky was clear, and- wait a second...

The sky was clear? When was the sky _ever clear? _Someone should look into that, thought Jace Wayland/Morgenstern/Whatever, as he sat having a picnic with his beauteous midget of a girlfriend.

Wait. I think something _else _was wrong with that statement _as well. _Hmmmmm. I wonder... It couldn't be... No, that's not it...

Clary seems to be having a lot of fun. I wonder if she wants me to join her. But _what is she doing? _She seemed to be rolling- no now she was just jerking weirdly.

Girls are so very, very odd, Jace thought to himself. I wonder how anyone can even _try _to comprehend why they do... the... things that they do. Hmmmm. I guess I could call someone for... advise? Yes! THAT'S IT! I'll just... slip away...

"Clary, I have to... phone a friend," Jace said with a quick smile, and darted off, rolling down the hill that they had been picnicking on. He searched inside his pockets, only to find that he didn't even have his phone on his person.

Well... Clary doesn't know that, Jace thought, and snuck away to seek counseling.

-Break, Line Break-

"She was doing what?" Simon asked Jace, after the blond had related to Clary's long time friend just what Clary had seemed to be doing.

"I told you, she was rolling around, with , like, foam...or something, on her face." Jace said impatiently, running his hand through his hair.

"I don't know, man," responded Simon, as if suddenly turned into a hippie," do ya think she couldabin, I dunnow, chillin' out all groovy style... and stuff?" But Jace was standing up from his spot in the cafe, in which they had been conversing, before Simon was finished with his not-at-all-plausible reasoning.

"EDWARD FREAKING CULLEN WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE HELPFUL THAN YOU, SIMON!" and with that little diva rant over with, Jace stormed out of the cafe, narrowly dodging a certain 'bronze-haired' sparkle master on his way out.

"Well I've never been so flustered before at a person in all my years!" Jace cried, dramatically, proceeding to wonder who would be best to consult next on Clary's anomalous deportment.

Suddenly, the solution struck Jace, in the face, from outer space! (or rather, the answer was just walking out of Victoria's Secret)

"Damn it, Jace!" Isabelle screeched.

"HeyIz,Clary'sbeingweird,,beingthat -"

"Damn it Jace, I don't have the time right now, damn it! I especially don't have the damn time for a damn ning-com-poop who can't even understand his own damn girlfriend, damn it!"

"But Iz-

"No, damn it!"

"But-"

"No. I refuse to get involved in that rabid little ginger's affairs."

And with that statement, Jace suddenly knew, as if by chance, fate, the zodiac, an aphrodisiac, or an insomniac, that Clary was in fact, whether by divineness or endless-time-ness, that... where was I... Oh yes! Blondie knew what had been ailing Clary. Isabelle's statement had sparked his failing memory, and it was at this moment that Jace truly understood women.

And it came to pass as thus, that Jace concluded, "It was the mentos." And he peaceably strolled back to his beloved.

As Clary writhed upon the hill-top-floor (?), she wondered what she had done to deserve all this. Had she been the inspiration for Sweeny Todd in a past life? Abused her spouse? Ripped the tag off of a mattress? Clary just didn't know. And it was just like Jace to leave just when the going got tough. He saw that she was ill, and left faster than Newt Gingritch. "I have to phone a friend." What an excuse; what was this, _Who Wants to be a Millionaire_?

Sometimes, Clary just didn't know why she stayed with him. Her mother had advised her against it, and- oh wait, that's why.

Ha. Now that Clary was once again assured of the practical reasons for staying with Jace, she thought about all the emotional reasons she had for staying with the hotie; Clary had to admit that there were a lot of them. No matter how many times he left her in a tight spot, he always made up for it tenfold later.

It was really just too bad that the friend he had had to phone wasn't some sexy EMT, because besides the fact that it was just really too bad, when Jace had turned his back to pick up the last of the chalupas, a short, six-fingered man with a name tag reading "Hello, my name is Nigel" had jumped out of some nearby bushes and bit her on the nose. He must have had rabies, or something akin to rabies, because Clary was currently foaming at the mouth, and what else caused that?

As her only entertainment was betting on which limb would twitch next, Clary was getting a bit bored, and so, when she finally blacked out, it was a welcome change.

When Jace finally returned to Clary, it was a quarter after one, he was a little drunk, and, let's face it, he needed his Clary now. In order to express the vast ocean of unparalleled emotion that was simply writhing within his chest, Jace burst out into song.

Clary, thinking that she had died and gone to hell (because what, besides a demon, can bring such a horrid, nails on a chalkboard, singing to life?), clenched her eyes such, and began to scream with the voices of a thousand dying walruses.

"Hush... hush, my darling, all is well." Jace cooed, in an attempt to soothe the little writhing firecracker at his feet.

However, Clary balked at the sound of Jace's voice, naturally assuming that, no, they weren't both alive, Jace must have died and gone to hell, too.

"No, JACE!" Clary cried, and flung her arms around her lover's neck. "Tell me that they didn't take YOU TOO!" And with that, she began to sob out the timeless sob of a sobber's sob unsobbed. Hey, at least she wasn't foaming at the mouth anymore.

Jace, however, was horribly confused. "What do you mean,Clary?"

"I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you, Jace, " she croaked out in-between sobs, looking deeply into his eyes, drinking in his expression, " but we've both died and gone to hell!"

Jace recoiled as if he'd been told that unicorns didn't exist. "By the angel, Clary, you could have just told me that you didn't like the picnic! I'm sorry that I was gone for so long, but really!"

And with that declaration of angst, Jace stormed off in a huff, never to see or even remotely understand Clary again.

Until the next day... that is...


End file.
